During the Skype Interview…
Interviewer: So, tell us why you applied for this job.
Candidate: LOL, are you kidding? I applied for every single job on the market right now. Even ones I’m not remotely qualified for. You’re my third Skype interview this month. I will literally take anything at this point.
Faculty Member: Do you have any questions for me?
Candidate: I went online and found your name and one research project you’ve worked on. I don’t care about you at all, but please tell me about that project so I can act interested and seem prepared.
Search Committee Chair: How do you feel about moving to this crappy city?
Candidate: Well, I would never move here in a million years, but tenure track jobs are impossible to find, so I’m going to use this as a stepping stone.
*interviewers nod and take notes*
Candidate: Also, I got divorced and want to get as far away from my ex as possible.
*audible impressed sounds from room*
During Job Talk…
Faculty Member: Tell us more about this project.
Candidate: It’s actually a failed chapter of my dissertation. The topic sounds sexy, but I will never revisit it once I have a job.
Search Committee Member: Would you like red or white?
Candidate: Anything that can get me absurdly drunk, so that I can complain about my current department and regret everything at 4am.
*wine glasses clinking*
During Last Meeting…
Search Committee Chair: What’s your perspective on diversity, and how will you contribute to our mission of inclusion?
Candidate: I am a woman/minority/LGBTQ/not-old-white-man.
Search Committee: You’re hired!
Candidate: Excellent. I’ve just used this to negotiate a retention offer at my current institution. Thanks for the help!